


The funeral

by Zoya113



Category: Black Friday - Team StarKid, The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals - Team StarKid
Genre: Death I suppose, Dysfunctional Family, F/M, Gen, implied alcoholism and mistreatment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-09
Updated: 2019-12-09
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:40:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21732388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zoya113/pseuds/Zoya113
Summary: Emma has to return from Guatemala to attend her sister’s funeral. Everything had changed, she wished she never came back.
Relationships: Jane Perkins/ Tom Houston
Comments: 6
Kudos: 26





	1. The news

**Author's Note:**

> Zoya please write something of value

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma gets a bad phone call

“Holy shit. He proposed?” Emma’s jaw dropped. She was pushing her phone to her ear with her shoulder so she could use her free hands to eat her toast, but she dropped her plate to the table, hurrying over to a quieter area of the hostel. 

“Yeah! I wish you could see the ring. It’s the prettiest thing I’ve seen in my life, I swear!” Jane giggled. 

“Jane, that’s so great, I’m so happy for you- oh, lo siento,” she paused to step out of the way of a man so tired he was practically sleep walking into the common area. 

“Where are you, Emma?” 

“Pacaya, actually. You know, the volcano! It’s so beautiful here. I’ve been taking so many photos, but they’re on my camera so I can’t really send them, but we could-“

“Oh, Emma?” Jane interrupted quietly. “Sorry, could I keep talking?” 

“Oh! Of course!” Emma nodded despite the fact her sister couldn’t see her. She tucked herself into a corner to avoid all the travellers passing in and out of the common area. “Sorry, you go ahead,” she laughed awkwardly. It had probably been a solid two months since her last valid conversation, she was just happy to hear her voice.

“It was the most romantic thing you’d ever seen. He prepared it all himself, I mean, the man’s a bit incompetent on his own sometimes but he managed so well!” Jane praised. She was probably looking at her ring right now. “The wedding is in Spring. We’re thinking right in the middle,” she added. 

“Oh that’s nice, why do you say?” Emma squinted as someone took up her seat at the table and pushed her plate of toast away. Oh well. 

“Emma, I’m inviting you,” Jane had to spell it out. 

Emma blinked before exclaiming “Oh!” much louder than the common room appreciated. She dipped her head to apologise to anyone still staring before taking out to the empty hallway. “And it’s in Hatchetfield?” 

“Yeah! We were thinking of having it at the lake in Pinebrook. What do you think?”

“Why’re you asking me? It’s your wedding,” Emma joked. 

There was a long moment of silence on the other end of the phone. “I miss you Emma, you know.”

Emma couldn’t think of a reply. 

“You’re my little sister and you just took off so suddenly. It’s been a whole year already. Do you know when you’re coming back? Mum and dad ask about you a lot.” 

Emma curled a lock of hair around her finger. It was getting long, and she’d probably need to cut it herself soon.  
“Yeah, I don’t know yet Jane. I really love it here. I just feel like I’m where I’m supposed to be. I mean, yesterday I was hiking up to check out this track near the volcano and this coatimundi jumped out of fucking nowhere and like, just rode around on my backpack for like ten minutes!”

“Emma,” Jane reminded her to keep on topic. “You’ll come down for the wedding right? Emma?” 

She bit her lip, pressing her shoulder blades up against the wall and surveying the hallway. “Man, you’ll have to send me details closer to the date, right? I mean, I’ve got so much going on lately, I’m really busy. And there’s this active volcano alert right now so some airports have shut down and-“

“Emma it’s not until Spring,” she gave an uncertain laugh. “Promise me you’ll come, right? It’s my wedding. How will it be the happiest day of my life if my sister isn’t there?” 

Emma didn’t realise how dry her throat was until she gulped. “I’ll try, right? And if I don’t I’ll catch you at the next one right Jane?”

“Emma, Em,” Jane’s voice was growing increasingly worried. There was something airy about it, like she was panicked. “It’s my wedding. I’m giving you all the notice in the world. It’s nearly a year before it happens. There is no ‘next one,’ it’s my wedding.” 

“I mean unless you get divorced,” Emma snorted to herself. 

“What!?” 

“Oh, sorry! I was talking to myself,” she explained. Her mind had a way of escaping her. 

“I love him, Emma. I really, really want you to come up for the wedding. Promise me you’ll make an effort please?” 

Emma held a hand to her forehead like she was feverish, and laughed an anxious reply. “Yeah, Jane. We’ll see what happens.” She wouldn’t promise anything, she couldn’t. After all, she already knew her answer. 

———————————————————

When she hadn’t shown up to the wedding, it had been absolute radio silence from everyone in Hatchetfield.

That was what she left that place for, but this hurt differently. 

The wedding slipped its way into her mind two or three times a day. She really missed out on it, her sister’s own wedding. 

She wouldn’t see her in her wedding dress, she wouldn’t be a bridesmaid, she wouldn’t see the ring. She wouldn’t see the pretty reception or the smile on her face or hear her read her vows. 

But it was fine, it was okay. Because she’ll never have to look Jane in the eyes again, she was never going back to that town. If Jane wanted to see her, she’d have to come out here. Or at least to a half way point.

That’s why it was so shocking to receive a phone call halfway through her hike.  
“Um, hello?” She was nervous. She had no clue what to expect, but it probably wasn’t polite or positive at all. 

“Emma, is this you?” 

“Yeah, is this Jane?” She slowed down her pace, pulling out her drink bottle so she could chew on the lid. 

“Yes, of course. I want to tell you something, Em.” 

‘Em,’ oh boy. That was a little friendly for someone who missed her own sister’s wedding. “Yeah?”

“No, actually. You go first. What are you up to today Emma?” 

Emma shrugged. “Nothing important,” she answered quietly. 

Jane gave a strange chuckle. “No volcanos? No hostel stories? No coatimundis?” 

“Oh, well. There are all those things, but they’re not important.” She couldn’t really be taking up Jane’s time with stories about the coatimundi that had walked in through the doors right into the common area. That story made her laugh, but again, as she would reiterate, she missed her sister’s wedding. “You talk,” she insisted, taking a long sip of water to ensure her mouth was too full to speak over Jane. 

“I’m pregnant.”

Emma immediately spat it all back out, leaning over with a hand to her mouth. “Oh my god!?”

“Yeah, it’s a boy.” 

“How do you know already!?” She wiped the water off her face. Somewhere in the canopy above, a Quetzal squawked at her in annoyance before taking flight. 

“It’s been a few months already,” Jane admitted sheepishly. 

This was the very first Emma had heard of it, but she probably deserved that. Jane probably thought she didn’t value family, once again, after the wedding incident it was expected. 

“He’s your nephew. You’re going to be an aunt, Emma.”

“I’m going to be a what!?” That was too much information coming at her at once that she had failed to put together herself. “Oh! That makes sense! Because yeah, he’s your son and you’re my sister! Totally! Congratulations Jane!” She was unpracticed in conversation, she didn’t have a clue what to say but Jane was silent like she was still expecting something. “Uh, when is he due? What’re you calling him?” 

“Pretty soon. Two months. We’ve got a list of names but we’re still narrowing it down! You’ll come down for the baby shower won’t you?” 

“Oh I... I don’t know if I can afford a plane ticket right now Jane. Um, when do I have to be down?” She asked, scuffing her hiking boots across the floor. 

“It’s okay, we can transfer you money for the flight Emma! I really want you to come down for a little bit, you know? Maybe you could take a break travelling and come back and stay with us for a couple months. We would look after you you know? You could meet your nephew and be in his life and-“

Emma winced, and it was enough to silence her. “I don’t have a credit card Jane.”

“Oh, that’s right.” The hurt and quiet in her sister’s voice made her skin prickle, because she knew what was coming next. “So...?” 

“I dunno if I can come down just yet. I mean, I’ll try and save up, and maybe I’ll still make it in time? I don’t know.”

Jane let out a heavy sigh that made Emma’s stomach churn. “Emma. You didn’t come down for my wedding, you won’t come down for your own nephew. Then what will you come down for? It’s been two years, Emma! I just miss you! Are you ever coming back?” 

“Jane,” Emma began, but she didn’t know how to continue. She never ever planned on coming back, she still had so much to see and there was nothing worth it in Hatchetfield besides her sister. But seeing her sister was a package deal with seeing her parents. 

“Emma. Is someone going to have to die to get you to come back? Will I ever see you again?” She sounded pleading. 

Emma shrugged, quiet. 

“Oh god, Emma. Just what are you up to out there?” Jane had moaned before hanging up for the last time.

———————————————————

Hatchetfield was not part of her life anymore. She never thought about it or it’s people. The street she grew up on was starting to become a fuzzy memory and she allowed it to slip away. 

She had her own apartment near her favourite mountains, she worked part time in a cute cafe down the road, she was developing a small crush on her neighbour who let her borrow the newspaper after reading it themself. 

Her life was set. And she didn’t want to change it, and she wasn’t going to. 

And that’s why when her phone rang she was confused, but not afraid.  
She was done being afraid.  
It had been 10 years since she had left Hatchetfield, and that hurt didn’t follow her around anymore. 

She paced towards where her phone was buzzing on the table. Part of her hoped it was Jane’s number, but what could it be now? Another baby shower? Another wedding? Those were her only two ideas. Maybe she just wanted to catch up. 

She picked it up, shrugging it off when it wasn’t her sister. “Oye, quien es este?” 

“Hello?” A gruff voice spoke to her. 

“Uh, hello? Who is this?” She didn’t like stranger numbers. She paced briskly out onto the porch of her flat. 

“Is this Emma?” The voice asked. “This is Tom.” 

Emma leant against the door, staring out to the bay down the cliffs. “Sorry, Tom who?” The name was vaguely familiar, but she couldn’t place it without the face. 

“Houston? I’m your brother in law?” 

Emma’s jaw dropped. She didn’t have one of those. “Sorry, I think you have the wrong number. I don’t-“

“God, Jesus.” The way he spoke reminded her of her father. She was going to hang up the phone if he kept talking to her like that. “Jane always said you were like this. I married your sister. You didn’t show up to our wedding.“

Emma flinched. She had almost forgotten about that. “Oh. Well where’s Jane? Is something wrong?” 

“She’s dead.” 

“Huh?” Emma gaped. “What’d you say?” Her body didn’t even react. It carried on like normal. There was no way that could be true. Not at all. 

“She’s dead, Emma. The funeral is next Saturday. Are you at least coming to that?” 

“The funeral?” Oh my god, it was real. She had no control over herself, her jaw dropped and she couldn’t get it to close. “I’m sorry, what? The funeral? My sister is dead?” 

“Yes Emma. She’s dead. Are you coming to the funeral or not?” 

“Of course I’m coming. No, wait, what? She’s dead?” She asked again, she was clutching her phone so tightly there was no more blood flow to her hand. 

Tom let out a frustrated laugh. “Yes. I don’t even know why I bothered to call you. I knew you wouldn’t make it.”

“No I mean, I can- uh, what happened? What’s going on?” 

“Listen here. Everyone said to not bother with you, but I figured for Jane’s sake I’d at least let you know. It was a car crash. A-“ he paused like he couldn’t get it out without a struggle. “A truck ran through the intersection. She didn’t make it.”

“A car crash?” 

“Can you make it or not? Yes or no?” 

“Uhhh,” Emma shut her eyes. She couldn’t string together an answer in her head. 

“If you can make it, great. If you can’t, just don’t even try, you won’t be part of this family anymore. Got it?” He hung up. 

Dead? What the hell just happened? She looked down at the phone in her hand to confirm she had actually just had that conversation. 

She looked back out across the bay, and suddenly, the home she loved so much wasn’t as beautiful anymore. 

———————————————————

She had landed in the Clivesdale airport the night before the funeral.  
At least going through customs kept her busy, the workers are a bitch when you buy a one way ticket. 

“What are you coming back for?” Every time they asked her it was like a punch to her psyche. What was she back for?

“A funeral. I grew up in Hatchetfield.” 

“Did you know them well?” 

“She’s my sister, yes,” she answered, but she didn’t know if that was true anymore. They hadn’t spoken in a couple of years.  
Oh god, they hadn’t. The realisation sunk to the bottom of her stomach like a stone.  
She hadn’t told her sister how much she loved her or how great she was or even seen her face in years. And now it was too late. 

She bit down hard on her lip to stop herself from crying in front of the third customs officer to ask her that question. 

Once she cleared customs she didn’t know what to do anymore.  
She had all of her belongings in her rucksack and nothing else to her name.  
She had quit her job at the café and gave up her apartment, her whole life had been left behind to return to this one.

Every time she had been invited to Jane’s events she had turned them down because it meant seeing her parents too. But if she’d have known she would have taken Jane up on that offer any day because at least she was there.  
Now it was just her parents, her sister’s asshole husband and everyone else in Hatchetfield who didn’t want her. 

She wandered out into the lobby, swerving between all the happy, rejoicing family’s getting off their flights and the relaxed vacationers in the bright, print shirts. 

She found a seat and clutched her bag to her chest, resting her chin on it.  
Did she call her parents to let them know she had landed? Did she just get an Uber back to Hatchetfield? 

It felt ugly. She had no home in Hatchetfield or Guatemala now, she had to rely on someone again. She had to go back to her parent’s house. 

She called an Uber, but she could barely remember her address. She spent her time on google maps trying to work her way backwards, and when it came she noticed something different. 

Her hand shook as she went to open up the car door. It hadn’t done that in ages. She was tired from the flight and all her bones hurt from trying to sleep in the plane, but she wasn’t in a bad enough state to be shaking was she? She wasn’t scared, what was there to be scared of? 

She had to make a more conscious effort to open up the door and slide into the passenger seat. 

The driver muttered something to her but the blood was rushing to her ears and she couldn’t hear. “Huh?” She pulled her eyes off the road.

“I said are you going to Hatchetfield?” The driver repeated. 

She nodded, finding her eyes fixing on the road again. Her heart rate spiked as he car fired up, and she leant forward in her seat to watch out on the road. 

It was probably just a nervous habit considering she hadn’t driven anything herself in about ten years, let alone been in a vehicle if she wasn’t travelling too far. 

“Are you on holidays or coming home?” 

That question required a lot of breaking down in her head. It certainly wasn’t a holiday, but she could barely call it home. “I’m uh, I used to live here.” She squinted like it would help her concentrate on the road. 

“Oh, where’d you come from?” 

“Guatemala,” she answered quickly. This man had to shut up so he could focus on the roads. 

“Oh, that place must be nice. What’re you coming back for? Your bag looked pretty heavy.” 

Emma shook her head, needing a second to process that question. “Oh, y’know...” she wasn’t about to tell her Uber driver about her dead sister. 

“I asked what you are coming here for,” he rephrased it, mistaking the confusion on her face for something else. “English is your first language, yeah?”

Her hands gripped at her seatbelt and she nodded. So many questions

“Not a talker I guess? It’s okay, I’ll turn on the radio.” 

It was some over the top pop song that blasted through the speakers first, and it almost made Emma angry. 

“I’m sorry, could you turn it down?” She asked, trying to keep her tone polite. How could he concentrate with that blasting in his ears? 

Ten years out of this place, and so much was different. 

The Nantucket bridge had a new paint job, it was blue instead of red now. There were newer looking buildings, and more trees and more cars and more people.  
Had Hatchetfield always been so loud? 

She was tapping her hands on her knees, staring out at the road. Her driver was so nonchalant about it, leaning back in his seat and humming along to some stupid song on that god damn radio. 

Guatemala had been nice. She stopped experiencing all those big problems she used to face every day. No parents to yell at her or to disappoint, so teachers to be in trouble with, no more overworking herself with shifts either. She would wake up every day at 6 in her apartment and eat toast and tea with honey as she watched the sun rise, every single day like clockwork. She loved her job and her cosy one-bed one-bath apartment and her neighbours and her co workers.  
Nothing ever went wrong, and when it did she burnt off all that anger through her muscles with a hike or through rock climbing.  
But now all that stress was coming right back at once, filling up her tiny body with too much to take, and all she could do was sit there. 

“I need to get out,” she told him suddenly. 

“Huh?” The driver checked the map he was following. 

“Sir, I need to get out of the car right now,” she demanded. 

A bit shocked, he pulled over into the nearest bay, but kept the car doors locked. “Are you okay miss?” 

She nodded her head but then shook it, her heart was crashing in her chest and she felt almost nauseous. She never used to drive like that did she? “It doesn’t matter, thanks for driving. I’ll grab my stuff and I can walk from here! Thank you!” She unlocked the car door and grabbed her bag, swinging it onto her shoulders. She slammed the boot of the car shut and started her walk.

That driver could keep the rest of the faire, but he wasn’t getting any big tips for sure. What an awful driver! How could he be paying any attention at all?  
Getting out of that car felt like one of the many weights on her shoulders had lifted.

She didn’t care that she didn’t recognise the streets anymore. She needed to burn off steam. 

She shrugged her shoulders to get her backpack on properly and it was almost like that little slice of her life in Guatemala. 

All around her there were buildings and faces she no longer recognised. This town she grew up in was about as foreign to her as ever. 

Her house was the same though. Almost frighteningly so. The bare trees out the front waved and shook in the wind like they were laughing at her for returning to a place she hated so much.

Without thinking about it, she slipped her backpack off so she could raise to the tips of her toes, and she snuck up the steps to ring the doorbell.

The faces who answered it were different too. So much had changed in her parents faces. 

Her mother’s hair was greying and there were stress lines on her forehead. Her eyes were harder and looked at Emma in disbelief, like she couldn’t trust that she was actually here.

Her father was bigger, and his hair was starting to fall out. He had a beard that was shaved poorly and his eyebrows were thick and furrowed. 

She stared up at them, examining their faces and they stared back at her.

The air felt different tonight. How could these two broken people ever have hurt her enough to want to run away that badly?

They stepped aside without a word to invite her inside and she lugged her bag around her, her eyes exploring her childhood home.  
“Um,” she began, holding her bag to her chest now so it wouldn’t take up room. 

“Emma, you look so different,” her mother breathed, looking at her with the roundest eyes as she tip toed towards her daughter, one hand out stretched to touch her like she couldn’t believe it was real. 

Emma wasn’t the scrawny, frightened, eighteen year old runt of the litter anymore, and she knew it.  
She was just shy of her thirtieth birthday now, the last time they had seen her was when she was still a teenager.  
She widened her stance, taking a step back from her mother so she knew things hadn’t been smoothed over between the two. 

“Give your mother a hug, Emma,” her father grunted, moving in. 

There was a pang of uneasiness in her, but she allowed her mother in to touch her. She felt no real bond there, but she hadn’t been held in so long, and her bones longed for attention. 

“It’s good to see you home again,” her father spoke quietly, softened by grief for now at least. He patted one firm hand on her shoulder and ruffled her hair with the other. 

“I’m really tired,” Emma told them, tilting her head far enough to get her dad off her. “I should go to my room, if you’ll excuse me.”

“Are you going to stay now Emma?” 

Emma had to nod. She didn’t have roots anywhere else. “I’m not going back,” she had to admit eventually. 

“You’ll stay with us for now then won’t you? With your parents?” Her mother requested. 

Emma found herself tugging at her hair, something she never did anymore. “Yeah. Just until I can get a job and move out, I guess.” She hated that dependence, her utter reliance on whether or not her parents chose to keep her around. She was like a rebound daughter, they could finally settle for her after losing the best.  
“Good night, mum, dad. I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Hey, come and sit with us Emma,” her dad moved to block off the hallway, giving her no other choice. “You aren’t going to tell us anything? You left us for ten years and now you’ve got nothing to say?” 

Emma wasn’t big with words right now. There were about a billion thoughts bouncing around inside her head but none she wanted to share with these people. “It was good,” she said simply, but her dad grabbed her shoulder to walk her over to the couch. It was subtle, but she was sure she felt a push on her shoulder to tell her to sit down. 

The couch reeked of alcohol. It made Emma’s nose wrinkle up and all the fear inside her build up even faster. 

“Why did you go, Emma?” Her mother asked, sitting down next to her so closely that their legs were touching. 

Emma shrugged. It probably wasn’t the most polite to say ‘because I can’t stand either of you.’ “I wanted to explore,” she told them. 

“Well you must know every nook and cranny of that place by now. Ten years?” 

Emma had to nod. “I got an apartment and a job three years ago. I thought I was going to stay there. I wasn’t expecting this to happen. I- it was a car crash?” 

Her parents both looked away. Her mother whined. 

Emma huffed. She didn’t have anything to say to them. Ten years was a lot of catching up, they were all completely different people now. “I want to know what happened. I wasn’t here. Was the child okay?” 

“Tim?” Her mother nodded. “Tom wound up in the hospital for a week. But Tim was fine once he got through the shock. He’s been handling this all so bravely. We’re so proud of him.” 

Emma sunk into the couch, tucking her head to her chest to compress that information. On top of all that pain, another child they were more proud of than her. 

“His name is Tim?” Emma asked, but wasn’t expecting an answer. “I guess he’s my nephew.” That was the word Jane had used. 

Conversation was tough. They just kept looking at her, adding nothing to the talk themselves. They just stared, let down. Watching her with disappointed eyes like some poorly performing party show. 

“Jane was head of accounting at work,” her father informed her. “She was good. She was so smart.” 

Her mother let out a help besides her, right into her ear. “You came back, Emma. Why couldn’t you show Jane how much you cared?” 

Emma held up her hands in defence and her mother grabbed her wrist, still crying in her ear. 

She used to be familiar with all these guilt tripping tricks. They were trying to manipulate an apology out of her, to both Jane and themselves. She knew she’d wind up with the blame. She tried to stand and leave but her mother still had her. 

“You hurt her so much when you didn’t come to her wedding. You never even met your nephew! She tried to hide it from her family but she told us all the time how much she missed you! She thought you must have hated her!” 

Emma’s stomach lurched, and she pulled herself from her grasp to stand up and distance herself from the truth. “She thought I hated her?” She tried to ask, but she couldn’t make the sounds around the sick feeling in her gut. “She thought I hated her and now she’s-?” 

Neither of her parents nodded, but the feeling was heavy in the air. 

“I’m really tired. I’ve got to go to sleep,” she tried to tell them. It was an excuse that used to work like a charm, because they never tended to want her lingering around. But her dad arrested her with his glare. 

“You couldn’t have just called once in a while? Ten years is a hell of a lot of time. You made her wait.” 

“But I came now didn’t I?” She was only trying to justify it to herself. 

“Well it was a bit god damn late, wasn’t it?” Her father’s tone grew snappy, and her mother leant over to put a hand on his knee to calm him. 

An apology was too small of an offering. So she stayed silent. “Good night. I’ll see you in the morning.” 

Her room was full of sour memories, far too many to even dig in to. 

Most strikingly were the photos she left on her desk. She had wanted to take a few with her to Guatemala because she knew she would be away for a while, and the ones she left lay staring up at her now. Haunting images of a completely different time. 

She picked up a photo of Jane. Emma was just nineteen that day, and she was twenty-seven.  
She wondered what Jane looked like before the accident. If she still had that smile, or if she wore contacts now instead of her glasses. If she still had that little cut on the back of her hand that Emma had accidentally given her when she wasn’t using the scissors properly.  
She had been grounded for a week for doing that. She laughed to herself at how far away and small that memory was now. 

In the photo, Emma stood besides her sister, beaming up at her.  
She looked skinny and underfed, and a shadow of her ribs were showing through her skin under the midriff she was wearing. Her skin was scraped and bruised and had so many different stories to tell. And despite her smile, her eyes were miserable. 

She had put that whole life behind her, exchanged it for something truly happy. But without warning here she was again, back in this dark, lifeless house. And she had to ask herself, how was she right back where she started?  
———————————————————


	2. The funeral

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma meets family she didn’t know she had

Why Emma had been so anxious when it came to driving lately was something she was yet to question, mostly because she was too busy trying to clamber out of her parent’s car the moment it stopped. 

The funeral reception wasn’t small. There were so many people there to mourn her.   
Just shy of a hundred people all dressed in black with tissues drying their wet eyes. 

Emma didn’t recognise anyone, but whenever she drifted by them they turned to look at her like they knew her. 

The speeches were the same. She didn’t remember a single face.   
A woman gave a speech about being Jane’s best friend. A man spoke about how lucky he was to have learnt from her, and how blessed he had been to be Tim’s godfather. Someone else got up to talk about how important Jane was at holding everyone together. 

Had she really been this distant from Jane?

Her parents gave a speech too, with a dozen passive aggressive little statements sprinkled in about Emma’s absence and her childhood behaviour.  
The line ‘if only anyone else could have taken her spot’ was almost a direct ‘it should have been you instead’ statement. 

She never thought she wouldn’t give a speech at her own sister’s funeral. She didn’t know her well enough anymore. It was like she was at a funeral for a stranger.   
And the photos in the slideshow made it even worse. Jane looked so much different than when they were kids. Her hair was longer and some age to her features. She wore different framed glasses and her cheeks were rounder. 

It was too overwhelming but Emma made herself sit through it and study every change in her sister’s face that she hadn’t been there to see herself. She deserved to hurt.

That man she had spoken to on the phone   
was right about her, no one expected her to come. They didn’t even want her to. 

As she wandered about the parlour she started noticing how many people glanced at her and turned away. 

“Emma, is that you?” Someone asked.

She didn’t know who they were at all, but she nodded. “Hi.”

“I haven’t seen you in years! Wow, how are you?” The man asked. “You’re looking great, actually. I mean, I get the context but like, you’re looking so healthy!” He reached out to touch her forearm, and she twitched back. “Is that all muscle? Wow! Back when we were kids you were always the little one! But no, really, how are you?”

Emma nodded and shrugged her shoulders. “I’m okay. How are you?”

He gave a whole spiel about the last couple of years of his life, none of what clued her into who this man was. Someone from school maybe?

“But what about you? Where have you been the past decade? You just vanished one day, you moved states or something didn’t you?” 

“Guatemala,” she answered quietly. She was pretty used to no one genuinely wanting the answer, and only trying to be polite. 

He tilted his head.

“Guatemala?” She repeated herself, louder. 

“Oh, isn’t that in Mexico?” 

“Uh, not really it’s sort of it’s own- yeah. Yeah, Mexico,” she sighed. It didn’t matter where this man thought it was. She wondered whether it was too late to ask who he was. 

“I didn’t even see you at her wedding. You must have been really busy I can imagine. Jane had her job and the charity work and little Tim, but you must be really up in it,” he nodded in what might have been approval, but Emma was too hung up on that middle part. How little did she know about her sister? A charity?   
“She told us you had a lot of important stuff, that you couldn’t make it down.” 

Emma hummed. That wasn’t her excuse. Jane must have covered for her so she wouldn’t get any blame. She ran her hands through her hair, threading her fingers between the strands to twist a small braid into her hair. “Sorry man. Maybe we should catch up later. I sort of have to go. I’ve got to get some fresh air.” She turned her back to the mystery man, already forgetting what his face looked like. 

She pushed open the doors to the funeral hall, hurrying out onto the grass to breathe in fresh air. 

It had been a week since she had gotten the news, but nothing at all was coming together for her. Things didn’t make sense and she didn’t think they ever would. She was waiting for a deeper sorrow to set in, or her inability to function, or tears or fear or even anger. But she was only confused, her head was foggy and numb.

She sat down on the grass around the corner where no one could see her if they came outside, pressing her palms to the dirt and spreading her fingers through the grass. At least she understood the earth. 

The sound of little footsteps running through the grass caught her attention just in time to catch sight of the boy who crashed into her back. 

She held out a hand to keep him from falling backwards, and knelt up to ensure the child was fine. 

She gasped as she got a better look at his face. It had to be Tim, her nephew.   
She could almost see hints and whispers of Jane in his face. They had the same eyes and the same round cheeks. It sent a small shiver through Emma. 

“Are you okay, kid?” She asked, putting in an effort to sound worried, but her voice was rough with uncertainty. 

He nodded. “I’m looking for my dad.” 

“Is your dad Tom?” She guessed, not wanting to stick around to meet him. But she dusted off the boy’s clothes of the dirt with an awkward touch. She didn’t know how to treat kids. 

He nodded again. “Who are you?” 

“Oh!” Emma exclaimed. “I’m Emma. I’m you’re aunt, actually.” 

Tim squinted and his face scrunched up, deep in thought. “My mum’s sister?”

“Mhm.” She managed a chuckle at his curiosity. 

“I didn’t know mum had one of those.” 

Her heart felt like it shattered mid-beat. It send a shudder down her spine that made her shake and forced an unfunny laugh from her throat. Jane had never told him about her. “I’m her younger sister. It’s nice to meet you.” She held on to one of his little hands. 

“Hey Tim?” Came the angry voice she had spoken to on the telephone. A shadow loomed over her.

“Hey dad! Do I have an aunt?” Tim queried. 

Emma dropped holding his hand, her hands flying to her lap and her head down. 

“Tim, go find your grandma. I need to have a talk with this lady.” 

Emma was yet to turn around to look at Tom. Mentally preparing for shouting and scolding and arguing. 

Tim didn’t wave to Emma but gave her a warm look as he bolted back off inside. 

“Emma, right?” He asked, a hand reached to her shoulder to get her off the ground. 

“Yup,” she mumbled, holding out a hand to shake. 

He didn’t take it. “Tom.”   
He wasn’t the tallest man. Only a few feet taller than her, really, but there was still something scary about him.   
His right arm was in a sling so he couldn’t really cross his arms, but she imagined he would be doing so if he could. “You actually made it for once.”

“I had to.”

“Well, the wedding was a ‘had to’ moment too wasn’t it?” 

Emma nodded guiltily. “Thank you for reaching out to me,” she tried, searching for some sort of warmth or comfort in his expression, but it was stone cold. 

“I only did it because Jane would have wanted me to. I did this for her. You could’ve stayed up in dreamland if you wanted to, fucking rock climbing or whatever it is you do,” he grunted. 

“I get that. It’s fair. I appreciate it though.” She rocked back and forth on her flats. 

“So why didn’t you come to the wedding, man?” He finally had to ask. “She told everyone it’s caus you were busy. What actually happened?” 

“It’s hard to explain. I just can’t be in Hatchetfield.” 

“What are you, a war criminal or something? What excuse is there for not showing up at your own sister’s wedding?” He prodded her in the shoulder hard enough for her to take a step back.

“I just didn’t want to be near my dad, man,” she explained sheepishly, her eyes rolling away. She owed him the truth. 

He just laughed at it though. “I’ve met the man, Emma. Sure he’s a dick, but you abandoned your sister because it hurt too much to not get a ‘please and thank you’ or something?” He ridiculed her. 

She shook her head, straightening her posture to try and square up to him. She had ten years of almost daily rock climbing and hiking in her muscles, she shouldn’t be talked down to like this. “You don’t get what he put me through. He wasn’t like that to Jane. He was just an asshole to me, okay? I didn’t abandon Jane. We still spoke sometimes.”

Tom rolled his eyes and scoffed. “It’s your own family you left here, Emma! Jane always tried to tell me you weren’t as weird as everyone else thinks. I’ve heard stories from people other than Jane. I taught at Hatchetfield high, do you think I don’t know all the stories about infamous Emma Perkins? The student everyone dreaded getting in their class? I announced my marriage to Jane Perkins and suddenly I was the laughing stock in the staff office!” He tugged at a tuft of his hair, his face turning red with anger. He almost resembled her father. 

There was a crack in her wall. Just a moment of fear that sprung through in her heartbeat.

“My wife is dead and you’re the one that got left behind! I’m raising my son on my own, now. Why did it have to be her, god!?” 

Another crack, a fracture splitting along her defence, the confusion seeping out of her mind like fog, revealing the feelings underneath. 

“Tom,” she crossed her arms, holding onto the warmth of her black sweater and her heartbeat, leaning into her own embrace in a desperate attempt to find comfort. “Do we have to fight? We both lost the most important person in our lives, can’t we just be there for each other?” 

“Oh, like you were there for her? Sure thing, Emma. Fucking absolutely. Let’s hold hands and go for a merry little stroll around the graveyard, huh!?” His tone harshened as he spoke, spit flying from his mouth as he mocked her. “Jane just wanted you to be there for her! And now it’s too late!” He always had to get up in her face. 

Each time he raised his voice she could feel more and more. More fear and anxiety, more guilt and anger and grief.   
“Listen,” she grabbed the corner of his sling with just her fingers because it was close enough to hold, and she needed to try and reach out to him. “I thought that I could leave Hatchetfield. I thought if I left, time would... it would just stop and wait for me.” She had to speak slowly and consider her words. If she didn’t control herself, the tears would have to start coming.

“Well time doesn’t care, Emma. We’re adults. Don’t give me that shitty, childhood make belief bullshit!” He yelled. His voice was always raised. 

“I thought if I could go away and make myself better!” She raised her own voice to try and speak over his loud anger. Even his angry panting was loud. “I could be someone my parents and the whole town wouldn’t be so disappointed in!” She snapped, hitting a weak spot. She had never even admitted it to herself out loud, and it was all still too raw to even think about, even in the privacy in her own mind. She steadied her breathing, panicking as a tear or two slipped through her barrier. She didn’t look over at Tom just yet. “I thought if I could get out of Hatchetfield, time would stop and wait for me to come back.” The cracks in her walls were too wide. The wave of grief was crashing up against it, begging to be let out, and she wasn’t strong enough to bottle it up. 

Her heart was thudding up against her ribs, her blood rushing around her body. Her ears were starting to ring and her eyes weren’t focused on the spot on the ground she was staring at. 

“But oh god it didn’t. It didn’t, Tom. Time didn’t stop. Everything had changed! But I loved her so much, didn’t she know that? Did she know I loved her?” 

“Well maybe you should have shown her that when you had the chance.” He tore his arm back from her, storming back inside and leaving her to cope with everything all on her own 

Her sister had been the one to die, but part of Emma died with her.


End file.
